Couples disagree. A lot.
It’s a normal condition of being close with another human who has their own thoughts, feelings, upbringing, experiences, and passions. After all, don’t we feel that some of our partners’ differences are what attracted us to them in the first place?
Sometimes we get confused and think that conflict with our partner is a sign of trouble. I would strongly argue the opposite. What if I told you that conflict is not the issue, but rather the way in which we engage in conflict with our partner is the issue? Follow me here…
How many times have you found yourself in an argument where you begin with Topic #1 only to find that moments later were you not only past Topic #1 but also seem to have flown through Topic #2, #3, #4 and #5? Hurting words have been thrown out, perhaps a few comments that hit below the belt, and before you knew it you were dishing out the dreaded “D” word. Sound familiar? The good news is you are sooooo not alone.
Allow me to help you work through these arguments in a different way and put a plan together to avoid similar arguments in the future.
Follow these 3 steps next time you find yourself in a heated, hurtful argument:
Take a deep breath and recognize when you are engaging in contempt, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling. If you are feeling emotionally flooded (tap into your heart rate, if it is elevated chances are you’re triggered and emotional flooding has set it in) take a 30-minute to 24-hour break on this topic. Return to the topic once you are in an untriggered state and begin the discussion again. Try to use a soft start up, begin with “I” statements and link it to how you are feeling and a positive need. Do not point fingers, take your portion of responsibility, set your agenda aside, and try to see the disagreement from your partners’ point of view.
Take a moment to think about the meaning behind the argument. Why is this topic so emotional for you to discuss? Are you triggered in some way? Think about what is fueling the passion behind your point of view on this topic. Ask your partner to do the same and talk about this portion of the disagreement. You will find that there is more movement in the conversation and both of you begin to soften up even more, thus creating a space for emotional vulnerability to grow.
Talk about how you can prevent disagreements from building into hurtful arguments in the future. Every couple has disagreements. It’s normal. What you want to encourage is conversation around perpetual disagreements (that is disagreements where you both are unable to give up your point of view). When we find only hurtful arguments around an issue we are in a state of gridlock. Strive to recognize the gridlock topics and repeat steps 1 and 2.
So what do you have to lose? Give these steps a try and see how the conflict dance you are dancing now shifts into a new dance.
Cheers!